Top 5 Most Dangerous Weapons (For Their Owners)

We probably have zombie movies to thank for the overstated destructive reputation of chain saws, which, in fact, are pretty ideal for cutting through trees and not much else. They’re heavy, prone to kicking when encountering anything that isn’t wood, and hard enough to handle even with a proper grip, which isn’t provided by a rifle. In fact, on the list of things that would be practical if attached to a rifle, chain saws actually land lower than, say, a cinder block or a pissed off cat. If only because it’s harder to accidentally take your own hand off with one of those.

A sword attached to your arms with a chain is pretty much one step removed from Sword-Chucks in terms of potential lethality to the user. At least, it would be should you choose to actually go swinging them around at the end of those chains. I suppose you could just use them like regular, non-idiot swords with a convenient chain to keep them from being… I don’t know, pickpocketed on the subway. You’d look like you had one of those dorky wallet chains, but given that it’s attached to a sword I can’t imagine anyone criticizing.

Whips have their issues, and it’s already hard enough not to injure yourself with one even when they’re not covered in razor blades. The sword side of a whip-sword is fine, but when you’re flailing around with a string coated in cutty bits you’re pretty much begging for a self-inflicted decephalization. Sure, you might be able to mitigate that somewhat with years of intensive training in a non-existent martial art, but given that a fraction of a second of error would result in the removal of your own limbs or organs, there are probably easier ways of cutting guys.

Oversized swords of every kind probably belong on here, but the gunblade stands out from the crowd in two ways. First, a pistol grip isn’t exactly ideal for swinging an enormous, heavy hunk of metal around without snapping your girlish wrists, and second, it features a built in gun that, well, doesn’t have anywhere for the bullets to come out. I’ve heard this explained by Final Fantasy fans before, but I can’t really remember what the excuse was, other than it had something to do with magic and actually sounded stupider than “they forgot to put a hole in the front.” It’s either a sword that’ll break bones, or a gun that’ll blow your face off if you pull the trigger.

Even within the universe of Fallout 3 the the Fat Man mini-nuke has the entertaining property of irradiating the player only slightly less than what they’re shooting at. Really, if you have line of sight to a target and aren’t in an airplane, that’s obviously too close to be exploding a nuke on it. The funny thing is, real-world people not only made things like this once, but actually deployed them. The Davy Crockett tactical nuclear recoiless rifle was, thankfully, never fired on the battlefield. I can only guess that they were decommissioned when someone with common sense finally saw the thing and quietly shat himself in disbelief before calling men in white coats to lock up everyone in the R&D department.